Little Red Riding Raivis
by Pit-Trap
Summary: "I need you to take this basket of bland and poorly cooked Estonian food to your brother." "Why can't you?" "'Cause I've got important nerdy geeky stuff to do. Duh." Little Red Riding Hood, Hetalia Style!


Pit-Trap: I do not own these characters, APH, etc.

Warnings: Lol Hetalia.

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Once upon a time, in a land no American would know the name of, there lived a small boy by the name Little Red Riding Raivis. He was called this because of the red outfit he wore _all the freakin' time._ I'm being serious here. An entire outfit in this weird red color! It's an eyesore I'll tell you that much… He could try to be a little more fashionable like his brothers, am I right? Speaking of brothers, one of his brothers, Eduard, needed to speak to him.

"Hey, Little Red Riding Raivis!" Eduard greeted, kicking away the puppy his brother had been petting.

"My puppy!" Little Red Riding Raivis exclaimed.

"I need you to do me a favor." Eduard went on like he hadn't done a thing.

"…A favor?"

"Yep," Eduard tossed a basket to Little Red Riding Raivis. "Take this basket of poorly cooked and very bland Estonian food to your brother. He tells me he's been feeling like hell lately."

"W-why can't you take it yourself?" Little Red Riding Raivis asked, looking at the basket and then back at his brother.

"'Cause I have important, nerdy geek stuff to do! Duh!" And with that, Eduard disappeared in a poof of sparkles. Because that's just what his Estonian brother did. Sparkle.

So Little Red Riding Raivis left the house he shared with his brother to go to his other brother's house-

Hey, wait a minute…

If they're all brothers why don't they all just live in the same house?

…Whatever…

It was too bad Little Red Riding Raivis had to go through the Impending International Forest of Doom to get to his brother's house. It was crawling with communists and capitalists alike. One such communist was called Ivan Braginski. Hopefully, he wouldn't run into the Russian on the way to his brother's. I guess it was also too bad that fate was never on Little Red Riding Raivis's side.

"Why hello small and defenseless boy," A tall man greeted Little Red Riding Raivis. "Whatever are you doing in the Impending International Forest of Doom where capitalists can easily take advantage of you and where nobody can hear you scream?"

"W-who are you?" Little Red Riding Raivis asked the random man warily.

"I** da** am **da** Ivan **da** Braginski _**da**_." Ivan answered. "And **da** who **da **are **da** you **da**?" he suddenly smacked himself. "Stupid speech impediment…"

"Hmm…" Little Red Riding Raivis looked at Ivan thoughtfully. "Tall, big nose, says 'da' a lot… You must be German!" he decided. "Not Russian, good enough for me. I'm Little Red Riding Raivis."

"Where are you headed on a lovely day like this?"

"Oh, just to my brother's," Little Red Riding Raivis said. "He's not feeling the best, so I'm bringing him some of my other brother's Estonian cooking."

Ivan pulled a metal pipe out of nowhere and pointed it at the basket. "Is that what smells so bad in there?"

"ZOMG, a metal pipe!" Little Red Riding Raivis screeched. "Everyone _knows_ only Russians carry those around! You're not German, you're Russian!" With a shriek, Little Red Riding Raivis kicked Ivan in the shin before taking off over the hills, yelling like a madman. Psycho….

"Damn it," Ivan muttered, rubbing his assaulted shin. "I'm so angry I could punch a hole in a solid concrete wall!" he fumed. "But there are no walls here, so I'll have to go to Little Red Riding Raivis's brother's house and punch something there." _Best idea __**evar**__._

So he pulled out his GPS and put in Little Red Riding Raivis's brother's address (where the hell he got it, we'll never know). Ivan then hopped upon an English unicorn and rode over there. When he arrived at the place, he knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" A voice called from inside.

"Little **da** Red **da** Riding **da **Raivis **da**!" Ivan smacked himself again. "Stupid speech impediment…"

"Uh… come in…?"

Without a second thought, Ivan threw the front door open. He walked along the halls and slipped on a pair of sunglasses. You know for the ominous sort of vibe they'd give off.

It's cool yo.

He kept walking until he found a room occupied by the house's only inhabitant. The occupant was slightly surprised to see it was not his little brother walk in, but a certain _giant, burly, Russian man _instead. "Ivan?" Toris recognized the man and sat up in bed. "W… What are you doing here?"

Oh, hey, look! It was Ivan's former maid, Toris! So he was Little Red Riding Raivis's brother… But that wasn't what Ivan was focusing on… Ivan lowered his sunglasses to raise an eyebrow and get a better look at Toris. "Damn," he whistled. "Dat is some fine Lithuanian ass right there."

"Excuse me?"

"You come here often?"

"Uh… I _live_ here."

Ivan went over to the bed and put an arm around Toris's shoulders. "You want to hook up with me sometime then?"

"I think I'll have to pass for now." Toris sighed in annoyance.

"Ivan took off his sunglasses in a very dramatic fashion and glared at Toris. "Wrong answer."

"…What?"

And with that Ivan grabbed Toris and forced him into a closet, slamming the door behind him. "I'll put him in a maid dress, save him for later…" he suddenly heard knocking. Going over to a window, Ivan saw Little Red Riding Raivis at the door. "Uh… let's see…" Ivan dove into the bed and covered himself with blankets, but he was too fat and as soon as Little Red Riding Raivis came in, he knew it wasn't Toris.

"Uh…" Little Red Riding Raivis stared as he entered. "Toris, looked how much weight you're gained…"

"How rude."

"What a big nose you have… "

"The **da** better **da** to **da** smell **da** you** da** with **da,**" he coughed nervously.

"And what- hey, wait a minute," Little Red Riding Raivis paused and blinked. "Toris doesn't say 'da'!"

"But I do!" Ivan jumped out of the bed.

Little Red Riding Raivis screamed. He then promptly kicked Ivan in the shin. _Again_.

Ivan cursed in Russian before saying, "I didn't even do anything to you!"

"Well… yeah, true, but you did something with Toris!" Little Red Riding Raivis accused and held his basket full of Estonian cooking up in a very threatening manner. For everyone knows that Estonian cooking can be a _very deadly_ weapon. "Where is-!"

Suddenly, the closet door swung open and Toris walked out. "I can't believe it took me that long to realize that closet had no lock," he looked around the room, catching sight of his brother, Ivan, and a metal pipe Ivan had pulled out from no where. "A pipe!" Toris yelped. "Everyone knows Baltic's are deathly allergic to pipes!"

"We are?"

"You are?" Ivan looked at the pipe in his hand.

"Yes! Someone help us!" Toris screamed in a very damsel-in-distress sort of way.

"There's no need to fear," A figure came crashing through a window. "The hero is here!"

"My window!" Toris shrieked.

"Well, well, well, look what we have here," Alfred, who is a hero mind you, said. "What are you up to now, Ivan? Terrorizing the innocent?"

"I am doing no such thing," Ivan crossed his arms. "I was just… visiting."

"Visiting?" Toris repeated. "You broke into my house!"

"No, I didn't. If I recall correctly, you let me in willingly."

Damn. He was right there… Kind of. "Well… you forced me into a closet!" God that sounded strange…

"Prove it." Ivan challenged.

_Damn_. Toris bit his lip. "Uh…" he thought. "He was terrorizing Little Red Riding Raivis!"

"Uh, actually I just kind of told him he was fat and stuff." Little Red Riding Raivis piped up.

Toris twitched. He had nothing else. _**Damn.**_

"Well, sounds like you don't need a hero after all, Toris," Alfred shrugged. "So, I'm off to screw a certain Canadian then! See ya! Have a nice visit with Ivan!" And then he was gone. Their only real chance for survival was gone.

Toris and Little Red Riding Raivis gulped and looked at Ivan, who was smiling.

"So, looks like I can stay for a while, da?"

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A/N: What the hell did I just write?

I'm bored. I wrote this a while ago and just decided to post it now. Bleh.

…And am I the only one who notices some people have Russia say 'da' too much? Surely not.


End file.
